A Mom's Diary-1: Symmetrical Love

"Are Papa and Mama biased and do they love my big brother more than me?"  I often used to have this question popped up on my mind.  Whenever my big bro bullied me but I was the one who always ended scolded or admonished by my parents, that evil doubt usually came and poked my mind.  He was the one who did wrong so shouldn't he be the one whom got punished?  I got bullied and also got often blamed by my parents for not staying away from him, my mind couldn't be at ease.  I usually felt like I was treated unfair. 

Papa once admitted out of his anger that his love is biased toward my brother, I was no doubt in absolute pain.  He also added that even each individual finger of one's hand is not in equal length, why did I search for the fair and square love from them?  It really was heartbreaking and also so slammed my heart that I cut my finger with a knife and recorded with bloody words that I would never forget them.  Whether he actually meant them or they were merely the ones which came out of his anger, they should never came out from Papa's mouth.  NEVER!

A lot of times, it even made me wonder that being a bad child would win favoritism of my parents?  My brother failed his college sophomore year, gambled, smoked, was being extremely disrespectful to them and a big bully to me of course yet they (especially Papa) felt pity and always stand by his side.  For me who really work hard, get a good academic record, pay respect and love (I used to think that they are my world) to them.  Just because you're good and independent doesn't mean that you don't need love from your parents. 

Just like that, I became a big "anti-parent favoritism".  I always tell myself that the history will not repeat for my kids.  I firmly believe that parents should love all of their children equally and justly.

After chartering myself into motherhood, I tell myself that I must not forget to make sure that I'm not a biased mom.  Yet, recently a thought provoked me that I might be giving this wrong signal of parent favoritism to Michelle?  She usually attaches me so much and favors me a lot of times over her Daddy.  But lately she is keeping a distance from me by showing her preferences to him.  I'm fine that she prefers Daddy over me but what concerns me is that why she's doing this?  She usually does the same thing whenever I'm strict or disciplined to her or she got scolded or admonished by me.

I have to admit though that I've been devoting most of my spare time on Sophie recently.  I think about 90% of my spare time is spent for her and I sometimes even feel like I don't leave enough breathing room even for myself.  The main reason is that I just want to make sure that she's doing well academically.  So, during the weekday evenings, I sit down with her to supervise and monitor her homework, Math workshop, reading, science project research, writing, piano practice, etc.  And most of my weekend spare hours are used to accompany and send her to all different classes such as piano, ice skating, ballerina, swimming, etc. 

Michelle also wants my attention so she usually climbed to my lap as she wants to be held.  But she usually disturbed her big sister's homework by scrabbling there or distract her big sister and loose her focus by talking or signing out loud, etc.  Most of the time, I'm letting Sophie run marathon for doing her homework and other stuff since we only got a limited amount of time.  I need to send them to bed early enough so that it won't be a big struggle next morning to wake them up. 

Being annoyed somewhat by Michelle, I usually scolded and drove her away a lot of times and asked her to go play with Daddy while I was supervising Sophie to do her stuff.  Michelle apparently wasn't happy for it.  She pouted and showed her unhappiness and run away but I didn't have time to bother her as I was rushing Sophie to get her stuff done.

Suddenly, her favoritism toward Daddy clicked my mind and make me realize of how I might have make her feel unfair. I feel like I get what she might have been going through recently because of me.

I'm very clear that my love for Sophie doesn't exceed the love I have for Michelle just because I'm devoting most of my time on Sophie.  I love them equally and justly.  When Michelle got a point when she really needs my attention and supervision, I'll be doing the same as well. 

However, love is shapeless so it's difficult to divide exactly and equally all the time just like cutting a pizza pie.   Having said that, it doesn't mean that I now changed my mind and become a supporter of "parent favoritism".  The scar that I had it at one corner of my heart is the best evidence and I vowed to myself that it'll never the case for my girls.

It's just that the love I have for each of them might be different at different point of time depending on their needs.  Sometimes, one needs more care or attention than the other and I love and accommodate them accordingly.  Just because I'm paying more attention to Sophie better at this point of time doesn't mean that I love her more.  Michelle will gradually be a kindergartener and I'll be doing the same thing for her as well.  At that point of time, Sophie might be able to do her studies more independently and she might not need as much attention as she needs from now.  Then, I would fully devote on Michelle by then.

I've been careful and thus I try to make them feel not biased.  For instance, Michelle used to have to wear a lot of the hands-me-down clothes of Sophie.  Just simply because I want to save some big bucks on her clothing as she outgrows so fast.  But now that Michelle is growing up and her emotional perplexing has also been bloomed as much as any human being is equipped with, I make sure that every time I plan to buy one, I buy for both of them. 

I was trying to make sure both of them not to convey the wrong message.  But then it might still not be enough.  From this incident I come to realize that this is a very delicate, sensitive and sophisticated matter which is much more than I've been aware of.  Even though I'm not practicing parent favoritism, I might sometimes be giving the wrong signal to either of them that I'm doing that way.  I've learnt that I should be more careful about my gestures to them next time.

"Parent favoritism" might be out there but I want to make sure to my girls that it doesn't exist in our family.  At times, they might feel that my love is asymmetrical since I will accommodate and fulfill their needs depending on the circumstances.  However, it doesn't mean that if one is constantly in need and the other is quite independent, the independent one will be neglected.  I might be helping the one who is more needy and will also make sure that the independent will receive the same affection from me.  I promise that I'll never let both of you suffer from the emotional misery I've been through.  I vow and dare to declare here that my unconditional love to each of them is symmetrical.  In other words, I assert that I will not let another wounded adult to grow up in this family!  We'll make it happen together.  Are you ready, girls?

My New Birthday Perspectives

(I got this image via Google and the credit goes to its original owner)

My another birthday is just right around the corner.  I'm like "Oh, wow!  Time flies so fast.  Another birthday again??"  If you sense that I don't really seem to be so excited about my birthday then you got me!

These days birthdays appear to me as reminders of how the time flies so quick.  Perhaps the older I get, the less I'm excited about my birthday. :D

Of course, I used to get excited for birthdays as a kid.  I always secretly wished that I could get a big birthday celebration with a pretty frosted cake party when I was a kid.  In fact, I never actually get my dream party so it might make me want it more.  At the same time, I wanted to advance the years so that I could be a grownup who is settled by graduating the college and landing on a nice job.  I simply thought that being a grownup would be pretty cool since no need to study, no need to afraid of adults and also make money and do whatever I would want.  Apparently, I wasn't factoring in for the responsibilities a grownup need to bear on their shoulder though:)

Now that being a grownup whom I always wanted to be and getting older each year, my perspective about birthdays have been changed.  For the first time in my life, I wondered why people regard that birthdays are so special?  Almost everyone of us presumes that birthdays are a special occasion and it's always celebrated with loved ones around.  I of course was no exception who always take and celebrate my birthdays as one of the special days of my life.  But never really wondered why?  Perhaps I was celebrating the Nth anniversary of me being alive in this wild word? :P  Or perhaps I'm celebrating for being a human being which really is a rare opportunity to be one?  There's a Buddha saying that the opportunity of being a human being is so rare that it was metaphor as the probability of a meeting coincidence of a needle from the heaven which is traveling downward and another one from the earth which is traveling upward.  So I was proud to be for being one rare human beings out of billions and celebrating it special on my birthday? :D

But as I think deeper, I realize that my birthday is the day when my mom borne and went through the biggest pain of a woman's life to bring me into this world.  So, the special celebration on my birthday should really go to my mom, not myself.  Without her, there would not be me.  So, this year I don't want any special celebration for me, but for my late mom for her endless gratitude.

Unlike prior birthdays in the past, I don't really have any special wish such as having a big cake and make me feel special this year.  The only wish I have is the family get-together and enjoy the time with them.  I don't even care anymore I'm eating at home or at an upscale restaurant as long as I'm surrounded by my loved ones.  These days I just want to shun material desires and just want to focus on the experiences.

I could feel myself that I'm a lot calmer, and all those excitements, fantasies, aspirations and daydreaming as a youth are fading.  If you say that the maturity has changed me then I'll take it.  I think I used to be like a raging waves which are full of force and activeness which is so ready to knock any obstacle on its way off during my youth days.  At the same time, I was with full of dreams, goals and positive outlooks for my future and my career. Now-a-days, I'm more like a stable and clam ocean surface.

I always wanted to be a very successful business woman but I ended up as as software engineer.  I'm not exactly where I wanted to be but I guess I'm okay with what I'm currently doing.  I guess that I now have less desires and cravings for pursuing my childhood dreams. 

I just want to live and enjoy the present with my loved ones.  "Live like we're dying", the lyrics, which I keep hearing recently frequently from radio really hits my heart.

I want to leave my past behind since I don't live there anymore.  Of course, the sweet past memories with my loved ones are exceptions though. Plus, the experiences I learnt from it as well.

And I'm not so looking forward to my future either. I'll take one step at a time and let the future awaits for me there.  I just want to live a full life, sit and enjoy the present for now.  Part of it might be that I'm becoming an anti-aging freak from a person who really wants to advance my age, be a grownup and knows what's ahead of me? LOL :P

I guess that I'm still not as insane as those maniacs in Chinese martial arts movie or series who had crazily risked a lot of people lives for the quest of anti-aging-and-never-grow-old medicine. :P  But still who doesn't want to stay young forever?  Can someone out there freeze the time for me please? LOL :P

Lazy Fever

I'm sure that almost all of us has gotten fever at least once in our life time.  Exception though for a few of those extraordinary ones who are super healthy and never got sick and thus who might make to Guinness Book.  Well, I'm not an exception so I'm one of those who get fever every once in a while. 

Guess what?  I have a special kind of this additional fever.  Unlike the conventional sickness fever, this one tends to linger inside me without any time constraint.

I know, I know.  I need some sort of medicine alike to conquer it.  But so far no good medicine deems available to me.  I could tentatively drive it way but it keeps coming back. 

At times, it could really be a hyper and it'll make me upside down.  It's so powerful that I plan to manage my time but it ends up like my time manages me.  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....!!!!!! 

At some point, it'll release another agent of its kind to disturb my plan and schedule.  It's none other than his good buddy "procrastination"!  Just like that, my plan of taking some kind of certificates to keep up with the latest technology keeps missing its deadline for nearly a year already.  Huh, what's a syndrome! 

A lot of times, it'll make me generate full of excuses.  For instance, I've been busy devoting most of my time for girls, especially for Sophie, helping her with her studies, homework and following and supervising her on other extra-curriculum activities and classes such as piano, ballerina, ice skating, etc.  So when they go to bed and I could have spared an hour or so to focus on my study but I always excused myself like "Well, I'm really busy and tired all day already.  So, I should relax and spare my weekend to be like one".  And there I am, who will either enjoy watching either Chinese or Korean drama series, or doing some online window shopping.  Technically, anything except studying appeals to me. 

Whatever I'm supposed to do appears so menacing and whatever I'm not supposed to do will always win. 

Whenever it plays low key, those tiny little good senses of mine will come back up and reminds me to feel like my career and ultimately I are in quite an alarming situation if I'm to keep going on like this.  I realize this biggest enemy inside of me.  It's just that I could not against all of its odds most of the time.  The good me does not want it but the other half of bad me can't live it without.  I hate to say it but evils tend to win a lot of times?  Tomorrow never dies?  Hardworking or hardly working?  LOL :P  HELP!!!!!!!!!  :D

Make everyday an Appreciation Day!!

Synopsis:  Never take granted for the very ones which most deserve our gratitude

Last week, we went to San Francisco JapanTown and unexpectedly I lost my pink leather Cannon camera case there.  As soon as I knew it, I felt my head got doubled and without even aware of myself I think I yelled out loud to him who was walking a couple of footsteps before me with Michelle.  It sounded to him like I lost a precious diamond ring or something.  He might get an impression that I was over reacting just for a camera case.  But to me, it's my favorite camera case which also goes really well with my Cannon pink camera so it makes sense.  After searching thoroughly a couple of times at all possible places and couldn't find a trace of it, I was absolutely upset.  My earlier cheerful mode was completely spoiled. 

What even worse was that it stirred things up and also caused a fight with him consequently.  I saw the girls were taking the last steps of the staircase which led the way right next to where our car was parked.  So I just turned myself to open the car door so that it would be ready for them to come in.  Little did I expect that Michelle would suddenly dashed toward to the other car door by the street side instead of using this side door which I just opened.  It was so dangerous indeed since cars were coming intermittently at city driving speed (~about 35-45 mph).  Luckily, he who was getting ready for the drive and sitting at the driver seat swiftly came out and grabbed her. 

Overwhelmed by the situation, he was so fierce at my ignorance of Michelle.  He thought that being overly upset for the loss of my camera case had make me not to even care of own kids whom was the most precious treasure we owned.  I was really fed up indeed but I wasn't that insane to become such ignorant to own baby due to that.  Being accused mistakenly and adding more weight to my earlier distress, I was even more igitated by complaining to him that if I were to blame, he was partly responsible for that as why would he need to get ready for the driving in such a hurry, etc.  Just like that, my day was completely runined.  It all started from losing my camera case. 

It was such a warm beautiful family day out but I weren't as happy as what I was supposed to be when we got our next stop at Golden Gate Bridge.  He tried to comfort me before heading to the bridge but it didn't make me feel any better.  Guess that that's what I got for being a tough cookie? :P

The girls and the spectacular views of San Francisco city and surroundings from the bridge's vista point had make me cheer up a little bit but it could not completely dissolve that agitation on my mind.  Guess that I was a time bomb which was just waiting and trying to find a time to explode the rest of the indigestion on my mind.

On that evening after getting home, it finally got exploded when he gave a call to his home as it was his sister's big day.  It was her wedding day so I normally would not have an issue for that call.  However, my agitated anger helplessly broke for picking the wrong time to make the call with the following accusations to him: 1) taking his family higher precedence than me and 2) completely ignoring me by knowing the fact that I was still feeling distressed.  I ended up not talking to him for the rest of the evening.

There is a saying that time is a good cure.  I can't agree more to it.  My anger dissolved over the time after calming myself down.  Then I came to my senses and started to second-guess the incident during the following morning. I really love my camera case and yes, it's pink!  After looking up on Amazon for the exact same replacement case and realizing that it would cause me nearly 20 bucks, it made me mourn my case even more. 

But WAIT!  A week ago while I was putting it inside my handbag, the peanut butter cream from the chocolate I kept in my bag for girls somehow came through the broken wrapper and was all over it.  I was loud at that time as well as soon as I noticed that my camera case got dirty.  At that time, we were traveling to Bodega Bay and all I could do was to wipe those dirty thingy out with tissue paper as clean as possible.  I noted to myself that I gonna wash it off once I'd got home but it didn't happen.  Right, you got me!  I've completely forgotten about it.

If I do really love and appreciate it, why would I even forget and treasure it and keep it well back then?  "Forget" does not sound like a good excuse for something you really love and appreciate. 

As I thought out loud, I came to realize that it wasn't just this camera case for which I always thought I really like it but didn't treasure it much.  There are also several other my favorite stuff to which I treated the same just like my camera case and don't take care them really well.  Just because they are mine and they are available for me all the time, I was ignorant and take them for granted perhaps. 

I usually forget to be grateful and appreciate of my eyes until I've seen a blind person.  I don't think I really take care and appreciate really well of my hands and legs until I've came across a disabled person.  These are just a few example instances and there apparently are many more to name.

But when I loose them, the attachment I've for it makes me suffer the loss and also make me conscious about how much I like it and how much it means to me.  In my case, the cost of replacement for my camera case was a reminder of its value to me again. 

Well, these are just physical objects which could still might be able to be replaced in case I lost them.  Even if I couldn't I'm sure that I could live it without and my suffering for its loss will fade over time. 

But how about the persons who really love and care me and whom I also love and care about them as well?  Especially the one who endures me, the one who shares every ups and downs: the one who supports and walks me through during the darkest days of my life, the one who comforts and brings me smile whenever I feel down, the one who never tricks or trips me without any single jealousy and shares all my happiness I've got?  The one who is really geninue to me for everything; the one who will be by my side no matter what. 

Where do I find the second one if I loose him?  Apparently I can't afford to loose him at all cost.  He absolutely is IRREPLACEABLE to me. 

Yeah, I guess I was taking him for granted.  I went a little bit too far.I was taking advantage of his love and all his good.  I was so ignorant and harsh towards him.   

Without even knowing myself, tears gathered at my eyes and started to roll helplessly all over my face.  I rushed to him and be apologetic for my gesture earlier.  The smile was all over his face and he forgave me so easily. 

Loss of my favorite camera case wasn't a good thing but it turns out to be that way.  It taught me a lesson.  To be accurate, it reminded me of the basic, simple and fundamental yet important theory which I tend to overlook over time: treasuring and relishing the ones which are really or most important for my life. 

We must always appreciate what we have.  Sometimes, the greed or the hierarchy of needs of human beings also make us overlook to appreciate what we already have.  We try to chase after the ones which are missing to us, especially those that are better.  For instance, after getting a small house, some of us sometimes feel unsatisfied with it over time and set a new goal to get a bigger house.  We forget to appreciate the house we already have.  We keep envying those who have a nice big and grand house and we really wish ourselves for the similar thing.  At that point, we are forgetting those who could not afford to buy even a small one we own.  Until some homeless people flashed our mind, we might keep having the psychological misery by living up on a bigger dream.

"Appreciation" is truly important, don't you agree?  It'll make us feel contented and happy.  When we appreciate, we will take care of them really well.  When we take care of those which are important to us, it'll only bring positive effects and benefits in return.  For instance, when we really take care of our eyes, it will go extra miles than the ones which are being abused.  Relishing the relationships with our loved ones will only keep the relationship stronger and last forever.  It's like a win-win situation.

 I'm glad that I come to my senses before it's too late.  I always want to live a regret and guilt free life yet I still got caught myself into overlooking this.  This fundamental theory is not something new but some of us tend to miss it every once in a while.  Now that I learnt and I'm going to live on a positive and happy life from now onward by relishing every single one which really matters to me.  I'll never fail to appreciate and let them slip.  No doubt for sure and I assure myself that it'll be up and above 100%!!!! :P  This blog is a first milestone!