"Are Papa and Mama biased and do they love my big brother more than me?" I often used to have this question popped up on my mind. Whenever my big bro bullied me but I was the one who always ended scolded or admonished by my parents, that evil doubt usually came and poked my mind. He was the one who did wrong so shouldn't he be the one whom got punished? I got bullied and also got often blamed by my parents for not staying away from him, my mind couldn't be at ease. I usually felt like I was treated unfair.
Papa once admitted out of his anger that his love is biased toward my brother, I was no doubt in absolute pain. He also added that even each individual finger of one's hand is not in equal length, why did I search for the fair and square love from them? It really was heartbreaking and also so slammed my heart that I cut my finger with a knife and recorded with bloody words that I would never forget them. Whether he actually meant them or they were merely the ones which came out of his anger, they should never came out from Papa's mouth. NEVER!
A lot of times, it even made me wonder that being a bad child would win favoritism of my parents? My brother failed his college sophomore year, gambled, smoked, was being extremely disrespectful to them and a big bully to me of course yet they (especially Papa) felt pity and always stand by his side. For me who really work hard, get a good academic record, pay respect and love (I used to think that they are my world) to them. Just because you're good and independent doesn't mean that you don't need love from your parents.
Just like that, I became a big "anti-parent favoritism". I always tell myself that the history will not repeat for my kids. I firmly believe that parents should love all of their children equally and justly.
After chartering myself into motherhood, I tell myself that I must not forget to make sure that I'm not a biased mom. Yet, recently a thought provoked me that I might be giving this wrong signal of parent favoritism to Michelle? She usually attaches me so much and favors me a lot of times over her Daddy. But lately she is keeping a distance from me by showing her preferences to him. I'm fine that she prefers Daddy over me but what concerns me is that why she's doing this? She usually does the same thing whenever I'm strict or disciplined to her or she got scolded or admonished by me.
I have to admit though that I've been devoting most of my spare time on Sophie recently. I think about 90% of my spare time is spent for her and I sometimes even feel like I don't leave enough breathing room even for myself. The main reason is that I just want to make sure that she's doing well academically. So, during the weekday evenings, I sit down with her to supervise and monitor her homework, Math workshop, reading, science project research, writing, piano practice, etc. And most of my weekend spare hours are used to accompany and send her to all different classes such as piano, ice skating, ballerina, swimming, etc.
Michelle also wants my attention so she usually climbed to my lap as she wants to be held. But she usually disturbed her big sister's homework by scrabbling there or distract her big sister and loose her focus by talking or signing out loud, etc. Most of the time, I'm letting Sophie run marathon for doing her homework and other stuff since we only got a limited amount of time. I need to send them to bed early enough so that it won't be a big struggle next morning to wake them up.
Being annoyed somewhat by Michelle, I usually scolded and drove her away a lot of times and asked her to go play with Daddy while I was supervising Sophie to do her stuff. Michelle apparently wasn't happy for it. She pouted and showed her unhappiness and run away but I didn't have time to bother her as I was rushing Sophie to get her stuff done.
Suddenly, her favoritism toward Daddy clicked my mind and make me realize of how I might have make her feel unfair. I feel like I get what she might have been going through recently because of me.
I'm very clear that my love for Sophie doesn't exceed the love I have for Michelle just because I'm devoting most of my time on Sophie. I love them equally and justly. When Michelle got a point when she really needs my attention and supervision, I'll be doing the same as well.
However, love is shapeless so it's difficult to divide exactly and equally all the time just like cutting a pizza pie. Having said that, it doesn't mean that I now changed my mind and become a supporter of "parent favoritism". The scar that I had it at one corner of my heart is the best evidence and I vowed to myself that it'll never the case for my girls.
It's just that the love I have for each of them might be different at different point of time depending on their needs. Sometimes, one needs more care or attention than the other and I love and accommodate them accordingly. Just because I'm paying more attention to Sophie better at this point of time doesn't mean that I love her more. Michelle will gradually be a kindergartener and I'll be doing the same thing for her as well. At that point of time, Sophie might be able to do her studies more independently and she might not need as much attention as she needs from now. Then, I would fully devote on Michelle by then.
I've been careful and thus I try to make them feel not biased. For instance, Michelle used to have to wear a lot of the hands-me-down clothes of Sophie. Just simply because I want to save some big bucks on her clothing as she outgrows so fast. But now that Michelle is growing up and her emotional perplexing has also been bloomed as much as any human being is equipped with, I make sure that every time I plan to buy one, I buy for both of them.
I was trying to make sure both of them not to convey the wrong message. But then it might still not be enough. From this incident I come to realize that this is a very delicate, sensitive and sophisticated matter which is much more than I've been aware of. Even though I'm not practicing parent favoritism, I might sometimes be giving the wrong signal to either of them that I'm doing that way. I've learnt that I should be more careful about my gestures to them next time.
"Parent favoritism" might be out there but I want to make sure to my girls that it doesn't exist in our family. At times, they might feel that my love is asymmetrical since I will accommodate and fulfill their needs depending on the circumstances. However, it doesn't mean that if one is constantly in need and the other is quite independent, the independent one will be neglected. I might be helping the one who is more needy and will also make sure that the independent will receive the same affection from me. I promise that I'll never let both of you suffer from the emotional misery I've been through. I vow and dare to declare here that my unconditional love to each of them is symmetrical. In other words, I assert that I will not let another wounded adult to grow up in this family! We'll make it happen together. Are you ready, girls?
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