Home Away From Home

Ten years ago today, there was a girl who left her mother land in the hope of fulfilling her life dreams when the military government in her mother land had blocked every possible opportunities of all youths there to pursue their lives as per their dreams.  It's hard to believe but she had never been exposed to the internet in practice as a computer science university student.  The political and practical situations in her country had left her no choice but left to abroad. 

It was her first time ever staying apart from her family in her whole life.  It was an exciting moments for her as she would be able to pursue her dreams as she wished but she wasn't happy at all.  Why? Her parents would be badly missed.  And she didn't want to leave her home if possible.  She really got overwhelmed with anxiety, nervousness, fear and feeling of uncertainty.  On that night of leaving abroad, she couldn't sleep at all.  She tossed and turned and her pillow was almost soaked with tears.  She finally went to her parents' bed and found out that her mom was also crying there all along as well.  She snuggled into her mom's bosom and they both passed the night just like that. 

On her way to the place where she would be staying in Singapore from Changi airport, she first experienced the city.  She heard that Singapore was such a nice, clean and beautiful city. However, the city before her current eyes didn't seem anything special.  Apparently, she still got overwhelmed by her homesickness and other feelings. Home is where her heart was.  No matter what, her home appeared as the most desirable place on earth for her.

That little dark quiet corner of the staircase at the university where she was pursuing her degree was her hideout place to let her homesick tears out silently without letting others knew.  

The first time she tasted KFC in Singapore, how badly she had wished that her parents could taste those delicious fried chicken as well.  The fried chicken was one of her parents' favorites. They used to go to Tokyo fried chicken back home.  She thought that the fried chicken from KFC was the most delicious fried chicken so far she tasted in her life and she wanted her parents to have them as well.  How badly she wished that whatever good stuff she experienced, she wanted her parents to experience them as well.  She made a bow to herself that she would definitely make that happen to her parents one day. 

Time passed and she graduated.  There got an economy crisis back then and a lot of her friends could not land a job.  However, she was lucky and got a job offer right before her graduation.   She was so happy and was able to sponsor her Dad to visit her before she had started working.   She even thought that God was helping her so that her dream of taking care of her parents could come true.

Alongside, she met her soul mate and they fell in love.  For the first time in her life, she fell in love truly, deeply and madly.   Her mom wanted them to get married sooner as she wanted someone to take care of her daughter while she couldn't be at her side all along.  Then, her big day had come!

When her mom and dad actually came over to attend her wedding, her full excitements for being able to meet them again was blown away.  Her mom whom she was seeing before her eyes appeared much different: much skinnier, more wrinkles and looked so depressed and older.  She was so overwhelmed with different thoughts.  What happened?  It was a few months ago she saw her as both of her parents visited her. And her mom looked so much different now.  That night, she cried helplessly at the dark corner of the bath tub while her mom fell asleep.   She felt so powerless and helpless.

Her husband was so supportive as well and they decided to give the treatment to her mom in Singapore.   Again, she felt so lucky to have him as things could turn out differently if he wasn’t supportive to her.  It was the longest time she had her parents with her.  She did really enjoy and appreciate those days.   Some of the days with her mom turned out to be rocky as she got a big depression during her treatment. 

At the same time, it was a big cope for her parents as well.  Cultural differences, language barriers, changing different lifestyles and lack of social activities with family and friends back home, they weren't happy at all abroad.  Most of the time, they felt like going back home.   It had made her started to realize that her plan of keeping them with her abroad might be an issue down the road.  But she wanted to insist her idea and thought that she might be able to find a way to keep them happy.

Life gave her another unexpected twist.  He got a job offer from US so they had to migrate there.  Pursuing American Dream was what she wanted all along but when it actually came, her parents were holding her back.  She would never forget those of her parents' looks.  It was on the train in Singapore.  Here were her dad's words: "Daughter, you gotta do what you gotta do.  Just pursue the opportunities available to you for the best interest of you and your family.  We'll be happy as long as you have a good life.  We don't want to hold you back and don't let it be the reason!"  Even though they tried to smile, she could sense those tears gathered in their eyes.  Those words really hit her heart so badly.  Endless sacrifices and loves of parents! 

She was expecting their first child with her husband.  She got hyperemesis gravidarum and he couldn't leave her behind.  Little did she know that it was her last time seeing her parents while sending them off at Changi airport.  She will always remember that look of her mom for the rest of her life.  Before setting a foot toward immigration, her mom turned her neck with teary eyes.  That heavily emotional and touchy look broke her heart.  Again, she silently sworn to herself that she would let them out of the country and explore a better life in US.

Sometimes, life could be cruel and she got a huge blow from the unexpected corner.   All of sudden she learnt that her mom got hospitalized.  Things happened so quickly and she lost her mom just like that.  She didn’t even get a chance to go back to be by her mom’s side for one last time. 

What was even more tragic was that she lost her dad again exactly two and a half months later of her mom’s passing.   Her mom and dad attached to each other so much and he felt so left out and broke down when she was gone.  She was still in the midst of preparing the paperwork for him to come over.   Just then he was gone again.  

Those were the darkest days of her life.  She hated herself so much.  They loved and sacrificed for her all their lives but there was very little or nothing she could return.  Being so ambitious for taking care of her parents by giving them a good life for the rest of their lives were sounded like building it by sand.  Her dreams for them were just like a sand castle where everything collapsed and was gone by the wind when it blew.  All broken into invisible pieces and scattered all over the place. 

When she doesn't know whom to be blamed, she just hates herself so much.  Should she blame for the fact that she had to come abroad?  Should she blame US embassy for rejecting her parents' visa which made her not to even see again after coming to the States?  Or shouldn't she blame to the ruthless military junta of her country who forced her to come out of the country?

Her life had been on the roller coaster for the past decades: lots of ups and downs, twists and turns, excitements and thrills at one point but horrors and freights at another.  She had been through the darkest days of her life but got the brightest ones as well along the way.  She lost two most important and precious persons of her life but she gained three back. It had been quite a journey! Overall, life is good but it could have been better with her parents around. Her ten-year diary is full of bittersweet memories. Home.....Away.....From.....home!